I still miss him…
I still miss him, he still hovers around my mind like an uninvited guest and I can't help it. It's okay when I'm awake. It's easier during the day, but when darkness falls and I'm alone with my thoughts, he appears and I can't chase him away.
There is no way to turn off my thoughts and find a small space of peace without thinking of him whom I long for so much.
As many times as I have seen a stranger on the street whose shirt has reminded me of his eye color. The scent of an innocent stranger throws me back to the time when we were happy. All of that gets me thinking.
All that makes me miss the past. I keep myself busy during the days just to forget about him. I do everything I can to not be reminded of his face, his smell, the way he walks or the way he talks.
I do everything to not miss him because I know I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't but somehow I can't help it.
And really, it's incomprehensible. I should hate him. I should hate the thought of him, his presence, everything to do with him.
And yet he's always there in the back of my mind, waiting for me to take down my wall and let him into my thoughts.
No one really understands. Nobody knows how I feel. I can't tell anyone. After everything he's done to me, I have no right to miss him.
Only a crazy person would miss him, and yet I do. So I keep quiet about it and suffer myself.
I know it's hard to let him go. I know nothing goes away overnight, but there's one thing I don't understand.
The rational part of me screams to forget him. It reminds me of all the horrible things he did to me.
It reminds me that he never changed his mind despite so many chances, and this time it could be no different.
But the emotional part of me, the inner part, keeps pulling him back. It keeps reminding me of his smile. It evokes empathy and yearning for him, even though it is wrong.
The truth is, I only remember all the good things.
I remember how he made me laugh so hard my stomach cramped. I remember how he larked just to bring a small smile to my face.
I remember all the crazy things we did together, how happy and carefree we were, with no worries at all.
We thought love was so simple. There were problems that we chose to ignore. We pretended nothing happened until they kept coming back and finally it was just too much.
Everything that we swept under the rug and hidden away came back like a slap in the face. There was no recovery after that.
I had him one day, and the next day he was a stranger. He was gone.
And I can't bring myself to forget him. I can't stop missing him. Although I know I should.
I know he doesn't deserve to be missed. I know I'm an idiot stuck in the happy times we had together. I know I'm the only one.
As I toss and turn in bed trying to get him out of my head, I know he's sleeping perfectly. I know he doesn't miss me and that he doesn't think about me.
Then I get mad at myself. I'm angry because I'm stuck while he let go a long time ago.
He was the one who ended it all. He was the one who didn't want to fight anymore. I wanted to make it work but he didn't care enough to try.
I kept giving him time and space to turn things around but he didn't see it that way. I guess I was just a stop on the road while I thought we would stay together much longer. I was wrong.
But you know what I've learned?
I'd rather miss him the way I remember him. I rather miss his good sides.
I know it's best this way because I know I would be unhappy if we stayed in the relationship.
Therefore, it is better that I miss him than that I am with him.
